These Are Just My Thoughts...

Live from the West Wing

johnlegend:

Ok So...

Do you ever have days where you just want to cry at a moments notice??? If you say no I already know that your lying!!! LOL! Ok so maybe I don’t know that you’re lying but I just want to know that I’m not abnormal in more than the one way that I already know that I am.

Anywho, today was and has been one of those days for me where I just want to hide out and cry. I have been going through a lot of emotional changes this week. In addition to “technical difficulties” I’ve been dealing with a lot of realistic life changes that are going on. I’m not as close to 30 as I’d like to believe but it is a real fact (one of the things I’m realizing), I have realized that I don’t read the Word of God like I should, I have talked myself into believing that I’m not as good of a person as I once thought that I was, I have realized that I’m getting older and don’t really like to deal with immature people much, I am not as good of a friend as I would like to be because of my own personal “struggles”.  I have got to a place where I’m not sure how to make things work any more. And you know it’s bad when you get to a place where you feel like you have nothing to offer Your Heavenly Father. I just am in a rut and don’t want to talk to anyone about it because people don’t have time to waste talking to me about my problems. Then too I tend to think that no one is really listening to me.

It’s amazing how things in your past find their way into your present/future. It’s amazing how things that were spoken into your life end up finding what they think is their place in your life. It’s in these times we are to encourage ourselves in the Lord.  I thank God for accepting me as I am but helping me to see what His plan is for my life opposed to what I think I deserve and who I think that I am (which isn’t much at times). It’s so fascinating  to me how I go through these seasons of feeling like nothing and then sometimes I go through the seasons where no one can tell me anything, but all the while I know that God is at work in my life.

Sometimes I think that I have gotten to the place where I have it all together and guess what I DON’T!!! My flesh has no right to have me thinking that I’ve arrived. I find myself pulling myself back together and recognizing where I have fallen short in thinking that I have it all and I don’t need anyone to tell me anything about myself or my life. But guess what…it’s a lie. I NEED JESUS! I need you more than the next breath I take, I need you more than any song that I could sing, I need you more Lord!! There are times that I have to remind myself of His love, of His prescence, of His unconditional love for me and all the junk that I have attached to me. I need Him more than He needs me. There is nothing I can ever do to understand why that is. My life is not my own, it belongs to Christ!

I sometimes find myself falling short in some areas, but I know that in my heart I love God and that there is more to my life than the way that I feel in these few moments of doubt.  Sometimes I feel a hundred different ways all in a split second and I feel completely schizophrenic! I sometimes think that nothing good is going to come out of my life. Sometimes I feel like no one listens to me when I try to minister the love of Christ.  Sometimes I feel like nothing I do to help is enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough for life. Sometimes I feel like God has been too good to me for me to give up on this short race called life.  Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes….

There are so many ideas going on in my mind, there are so many topics in this blog, there are things about me that aren’t perfect, there are times that I don’t smile, there are times that I just cry for cleansing purposes, there are times when I don’t want to do what is expected of me, there are times when I’m mean, there are times when I’m not enough for some people, there are times when I’m too much for people, there is a time when I want more out of life, there are times when I think “who cares?”, there are times when I think about if anyone would care if I died today, there are times when I think too many thoughts and have to take to my blog to get my thoughts situated, there are times when I want to be better for where I see myself going, there are times that I forget that life is a course ran by the decisions that I make or don’t make for that matter, and there are times when I’m not sure what to do.

Even though I have times and thoughts like those I’ve just mentioned through it all I know that Jesus is Lord and that He is able to take on all of what I think and how i feel and that He is going to bring me out of how I feel. Lord I thank you and I love you for who You are. Sometimes Father I don’t understand that things that I think or feel but I know who you are. I know you in other capacities and know that You are always with me. I thank you Lord for Your unconditional love, for taking me in when people put me down, when they talk about me like a dog, or even when they’re praising me. You are the only thing in my life that remains constant!!! I have to give you all the praise, honor and glory!! In Jesus’ name!! AMEN!